You can decide whether, where and for how long to attend a voluntary holiday gathering after clergy abuse. A useful plan can be small: find out who will be there, choose what you want to share, arrange support if you want it and know how you could leave. Your decision can be different from last year.
A family meal, community celebration or religious service may matter to you. It may also involve people or places you do not want to encounter. Neither reaction determines what your faith should mean to you, whether you should forgive anyone or whether you should take legal action.
Separate the invitation into smaller choices
An invitation can sound like a single yes-or-no decision when it actually contains several choices. Would you like to see a particular relative but prefer another location? Attend the meal but skip the service? Join briefly by phone? Make different plans altogether?
You might ask the host about the guest list, location, schedule and any planned religious activities before answering. If the host cannot give a clear answer about who will attend, that uncertainty is something you can consider. You do not have to explain the abuse to justify asking practical questions.
CAASE's holiday guidance discusses boundaries around time, conversation, touch and social media. For a clergy abuse survivor, those categories may raise very specific preferences: no discussion of a particular leader, no photograph posted with a congregation tag, or no unexpected prayer offered on your behalf. These are examples to adapt, not a checklist everyone needs.
Use words that fit what you want to say
You can keep an answer brief. These original examples offer different levels of detail:
- “I can join the lunch from noon until one. I won't be staying for the service.”
- “I'm making different plans this year. I'd like to see you for coffee another day.”
- “I'm not discussing what happened at this gathering.”
- “Please ask before sharing a photo or tagging my location.”
- “If the guest list changes, please tell me before I arrive.”
You may prefer to send a message rather than have a live conversation. If even a short explanation feels like too much, a simple response about attendance can be enough. You are not responsible for making everyone agree with your decision.
Boundaries do not guarantee another person's behavior. If a host has ignored a request before, consider what you would want to do if it happens again. The plan can focus on your next action rather than trying to win an argument.
Plan support and transportation together
Saprea's survivor holiday guide suggests identifying support in advance and explaining what help you want. For example, ask a friend whether they can be available for a brief call at an agreed time. Check their availability rather than assuming they can respond immediately.
If you attend, consider how you would get home, where you could take a pause and whether you depend on another guest for transportation. If leaving independently is not practical, talk through alternatives before the day. Your plan need not be elaborate to be useful.
A support person does not need to manage the gathering or tell your story. You might ask them simply to change the subject, sit beside you or accompany you outside. Agree on the role together. Our guide to supporting an adult who discloses abuse may help someone understand why following your lead matters.
Leave room for your relationship with faith
You may want familiar music, food, ritual or community while avoiding the institution connected to the abuse. You may want no religious participation. You may not yet know. A holiday decision does not have to settle those larger questions.
If faith is important to you, consider which parts of an observance you would choose freely and where you would feel comfortable taking part. If someone offers spiritual advice, you can decide whether that conversation is welcome. Attendance, disclosure and reconciliation should not be treated as proof of devotion or recovery.
Afterward, review the plan without grading yourself
You might feel relieved, sad, pleased, unsettled or something else. An unexpected reaction does not mean you chose incorrectly. If useful, note one arrangement you would keep and one you would change for another invitation. There is no requirement to turn the experience into a lesson immediately.
If you would like more support, you can discuss upcoming gatherings with an existing counselor or use our therapist questions to explore options. You can also make a quiet plan with someone you trust. Seeking support does not require giving a full account of the abuse at a family event.
Sources checked November 5, 2026
- CAASE: Navigating Self-Care and Boundaries Around the Holidays.
- Saprea: How to Handle the Holidays as a Survivor, guidance written for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. The optional planning examples above are editorial suggestions, not a clinical treatment plan.
General information, not legal or clinical advice. Reading this page does not create an attorney-client relationship. Legal options and deadlines depend on the facts and jurisdiction.